to much fighting!

so yesterday i put gel in my hair and had to take a shower at my grandmother's apartment. but, it was 11:32 PM and she thinks she will get kicked out if i take a shower. but, i knew that if i went to bed with my hair like that that it would look crazy by morning. (and morning is to early, i might get kicked out. what an idiot) so i went in to take a shower and then i get my hair covered in soap and then my grandmother comes into the bathroom (ok, so that was my fault. from now on i lock the door as tight as i can!) and she completly shuts it off! so, i called my mom. my mom was on my grandmothers side but said i could finish taking a shower but FAST uh, no. i will take a real shower and i will stay in as long as i need to! really. this happens all the time! then my mom starts yelling at my grandmother so while she does that i run into the bathroom as fast as i can. but the door wouldn't shut so i just got into the shower as fast as i could! i just turned the shower on when my grandmother once agian comes in crying (and im thinking 'ok, thats new...wait...wtf?' then she starts yelling at me! then she tells me that my mom never wants to talk to her ever agian and thats all i know because she just cried herself to sleep from there. so there i was sitting there with horribly tangled, wet, and soapy hair. AGIAN. so i slept like that and now i have messed up horrible looking hair all because of her! and remember my cat coming over to my grandmothers? yeah, not happening! and my mom just told me to find something else to do while she canceled all my plans for vacation because of a fight about a shower! wow. i hope they all learned a lesson about giving people some privacy. (no im not being funny i mean it!) bye for now. oh, wait, just one more thing. the plan cancelations were not a punishment! (you think i would let them do that to me? really?) its just they were all at my grandmothers and now they hate each other! just to clear things up on that cus i didn't want anyone thinking im weak and spineless letting my mom and grandmother just trample all over me like all the other kids at school let their parents do!

what i wish i could say...

i wish i could say the truth and say whats in my mind what i hear, feel, and know. is it true? real? am i crazy? every one thinks im crazy. i have learned all the words i need to say to control the world. i know i can do this. i know i can control the world if i wanted to. i didn't know that just words could hurt so much and seem to kill the time as i type meaninglessly to wake up in the morning and realize theres nothing to read, nothing to do, and all i can possibly do is slowly sit there and die. theres nothing else i can do. nothing is true. you know that right? do i know that? i slowly talk until i get to the real point. its not working. or is it? is this it? is that all? why did this happen? is it only because of that? how could you be so crazy? im lying. that what i hear all day. nothing else. do they hear me? do they think that this is right? is it right? why won't they talk to me? these are things that are impossible to ignore. things that get tangled up in a net so badly that when you close your eyes you see it flash in front of you as i slowly kills you. it hurts. i go through the day wondering the same thing. did even one eye notice im alive today? well, did you? are you reading this? or is it to much for your stupid brain to handle? all my friends have become people to ignore n my yahoo and email. when my mind wanders i tend to let it just because i can see trust and truth. but once my eyes are open i realize i must be crazy. right? does any one else feel this way? if you ask me any one with a diary who has a life thats happy shouldnt have a diary at all. they never write in it, they say one word a day and slowly they become something so huge that has no meaning whatsoever. you'll never see this of course. noticing this would mean you were alive but should be dead. like me. im just a total mistake of god. changing would be impossible. once i was born i could feel this. i knew it was true. look at the photos look at the truth, what? you can't see it? i know you can't. it because i was born being great at hiding it. born a freak, waiting for death from birth. if its not better i will search the life i once had. of course, more crap i just realized. once im dead i wil be forced to watch my great life while i slowly die agian once it realizes that i deserve the life that is now appreaciated. it won't happen. you'll just go back until you slowly realize the world is what you once turned away from. you following all this? if your not just turn away no, ok? your bound to soon. just bail out life every one else. your uncompasionation isn't needed. that fake smile dosn't need to be seen by me. show it to some one just like you. FAKE. ok? once you do that make a group and kick me out. laugh at me when i cry. maybe when i die? no, you'll still laugh. you always do. no, no i don't this is uncalled for! your thoughts arn't needed either. if i don't matter to you i dare you to turn away now! just go! ok? i bet right now your at a party with your fake face telling every one your just killing time, no! YOU KILLING ME. there has never been a faker ending then your fake face. your killing me not time. can your brain remember that? yes? you sure? because by the time you reach the end of this you'll be on twitter ignoring the life your killing slowly. your not needed here. ever. it could take years. i don't care how long it takes. before i do this you must save me. i can't save you until you have saved me. every word is to much for you. i can fix that. every day is fake. i can fix that. i can show you LIFE. if you show me. still don't follow? in your mind you hear jibberish that your calling crap right now, why?, because you fake friend who is fake said she didn't like my words. wow. the worst part is i believe it. thats whats happening isn't it? i get bad and you get fake. thats your good. whats making you say this? your thinking. the answer is YOU. do you get it NOW? no? your really to deep into this arn't you? its really just to much to read this, isn't it? i can fix that to. if you fix my life, of course. NOW do you get it? no? wow. this is to unbelievable that you don't believe this. a gift is nothing until it opened. but what if the giver (thats you) won't open it? and you can't? get it? my hands are tied down by you. and all you can say is learn how to spell. really? you like being like this don't you? wait a day. you won't just take a minute. if your fakeness interfears with that come to me. no? your mind isn't turned on yet, don't you understand that? not even if you say 'oh, my minds fine i have it all' what will that do? help you regret and lie to yourself? yes. it will do that. help me to help yourself. no? why not? because you have been fake so long your mind has litteraly blown away because it knows the true you. help me to help yourself. get it? leave a comment, read this, do something asking how you can help. soon this will be on my twitter, youtube, zwinky, IMVU, facebook, and myspace. remember me. and remember my words before you remember your own.